The Horror Movie Survival Guide
Have y'all ever noticed that it is impossible to watch a horror movie without wanting to scream "No you stupid fool, don't do that!!!" at least 50 times? It seems the people that appear in horror movies don't realize the simple do's and don'ts of nightmare survival. For these folks we present this Survival Guide....
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or commited suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophelia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin, or any other language they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of greif in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
* If appliances start moving by themselves, move out.
* Do not take anything from the dead.
* If you find a town and it looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
* If you're running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice (more if you're of the female persuasion). Also note that, despite t he fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing h airiness, and so on; get away from them as soon as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (?), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, don't go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, or any device made from a dead companion.
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